


Resigned to the Cracks

by twoseas



Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Steve Rogers, Getting Together, Insecure Steve Rogers, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Some Humor, Sort Of, Steve is insecure in romance, Temporary Character Death, but ain't we all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 10:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13832670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoseas/pseuds/twoseas
Summary: Steve Rogers has never been great at romance. Unfortunately, he knows that more than anyone. That doesn't stop him from trying - mostly.A series of brief instances in which Steve lets his inexperience, awkwardness, and insecurity get the better of him. Some work out better than others.





	Resigned to the Cracks

**Author's Note:**

> Look at me, trying to write more angst and emotions now. I'm still dubious about the results, but I don't like leaving finished fics sitting around. So here this is, please enjoy!

**Bucky**

 

When Steve was twenty years old, he decided it was time he made his move. He was a lot of things, but a coward wasn’t one of them. So when Bucky showed up, persuasive grin in place with as much precision and practice as his perfectly styled hair, Steve knew it was now or never. 

“She’s bringing a friend and everything. A real looker. Brown hair, pretty face. Just your type.”

Bucky moved into the apartment like a storm with his enthusiasm, but Steve had always been pretty damn good at ignoring the weather. He had the pneumonia to prove it. Steadying himself, Steve stood as straight as he could and mustered all the courage in his body. He met Bucky’s expectant gaze with a stubborn one of his own. “I don’t want to go on any more double dates, Buck.”

The smile on Bucky’s face only faltered for a second. “Come on, Steve. It’ll be fun. Some dinner, some dancing. You’ve been cooped up working on those signs all week anyway. Time to treat yourself.”

Fingers curling until he could feel the bite of his nails against the meat of his palm, Steve said what he needed to say for years. “I don’t mind going on the dates with you,” Steve blurted out. “I don’t want to go with the girls.”

There. He did it. Steve would be immensely proud of himself were it not for the nausea, the trembling, and the prickling of anxious tears. 

Bucky stood there, face curiously blank. Steve was ready for him to yell, maybe. Or to leave, probably. But instead Bucky’s expression turned into something conciliatory. “Listen, Steve. I know the last few haven’t gone great. But they just weren’t the right girls. She swears her friend is nice and likes art. You two can talk about that.”

Steve opened his mouth to complain. But then-

“You can’t be with just me all the time,” Bucky said firmly, his expression darkening in a way Steve couldn’t really identify. 

Careful not to let the swell of emotions show, Steve nodded his head and tried for a smile. Steve was not a stupid man, he saw Bucky’s rejection for what it was - a careful avoidance of the subject, a gentle but absolute no, and an offering for them to continue on as they always were. 

Steve didn’t really think he was a coward for taking the out Bucky offered him. After all, what were the chances Bucky would want him anyway? At least he could say he tried. 

 

**Miss Quill**

 

While on the war bond tour, Steve couldn’t really believe the attention he was getting. It was all because of his new body, Steve knew that. But it was still flattering to have women bat their lashes at him with coy smiles, to get approving glances from men. He wasn’t used to being considered and it was nice. 

Then that pretty blonde ran into him on the stairs. 

Steve was almost impressed with himself for asking her to a nearby diner with barely a stutter over his words. He was shocked as could be when she said yes. 

And that was how he found himself pressed up against the dark side of the hotel, a soft, floral smelling, gorgeous woman kissing him like she wanted nothing more than to devour him. 

“Wait, wait,” he managed to pant. 

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” She muttered against his already raw feeling lips. She glanced up at him through hooded eyes and Steve kind of felt like he was having another asthma attack. “Something wrong?”

“No, no, it’s just-” Running a hand through his hair, Steve let out his fears in a rush. He had to tell her. “I’ve never...done this. Before.”

She pulled back, tilting her head. “Done what? Kissed a girl against a building?”

“Well, um, I-I-” Steve nodded his head frantically, words not coming easily. 

Of course she started laughing at him. 

Steve could feel his face blaze with mortification. This was a bad idea. He was so stupid to think this was going to go any different. His body might’ve gotten him further than he had gone before, but the serum didn’t change who he was. It was only a matter of time until whoever he managed to fool with his new height, shoulders, and strength realized that.

Embarrassed, uncomfortable, and feeling smaller than he’d ever felt in the body he was born with, Steve slid away from the wall and away from Miss Quill. “I-I’m sorry. I have to go.”

He ran back to his room, feeling ashamed at leaving the young woman on her own. The only consolation was that she’d mentioned at the diner how she knew the town like the back of her hand. She was from here, she’d be safe. 

And Steve, he could curl into bed and thank anyone listening that the tour was leaving the next morning. 

 

**Private Lorraine**

 

Steve had no idea what to do with his hands. And then he was shot at. 

 

**Peggy**

 

Steve groaned into his hands, hidden for the moment from prying eyes. 

“Fondue. Really, Rogers? Pull yourself together, you absolute idiot. Your ma would be ashamed of you.”

 

**Sam**

 

Steve didn’t really think he’d ever manage the confidence to speak to the handsome jogger he saw sometimes. 

He was less surprised when he managed to give the guy a hard time rather than ask him to coffee like he planned. 

But he got a new friend, so he considered this one a win. 

 

**Sharon**

 

Steve had plenty of time to think during the drive, Sam and Bucky both tense and silent as they grew closer to the airport. 

“ _ Seriously? _ ” He thought to himself. “ _ Peggy’s niece. And in the middle of this fiasco? Jesus Christ, Rogers, your ma and Peggy are both going to rise from the grave to teach you a lesson. Why are you still like this? _ ”

 

**The Dora Milaje**

 

Steve avoided Bucky’s gaze, too overcome with emotion as they walked out of T’Challa’s palace. He thought he might cry if he looked at Bucky too long and he didn’t want to break down in front of his best friend or Wakandan royalty. Shuri was talking to Bucky anyway, explaining the details of his new arm. Steve could look around without seeming like a disinterested jerk. 

As he turned his head, he caught sight of some of T’Challa’s royal guard as they trained with other warriors. They were brilliant and beautiful to watch, powerful and inspiring. His jaw dropped as one of the members knocked down two large male Jabari warriors, vicious smirk lighting up her features. 

“Careful, Captain Rogers,” Shuri’s teasing voice cut in. “You’re out of your league.”

He hadn’t realized that he’d stopped in his tracks. The three others watched him. T’Challa was openly amused, same as his sister, and Bucky was frowning. 

Grateful his beard covered his blush, Steve returned Shuri’s good humored smirk with a self-deprecating shrug. “Yeah,” he chuckled. “But that’s nothing new.”

Steve kept his eyes down. Maybe he could avoid embarrassing himself in front of beautiful, powerful people if he just stopped looking at them. 

 

**Bucky, again**

 

Coughing blood as pain radiated from his abdomen outward, Steve stared up at the Wakandan sky. It was so beautiful. 

“Steve! Steve! No, no, no. Come on.” 

Bucky’s voice was frantic, his screams dim in Steve’s hazy hearing. 

“It’s ok,” he muttered. He shook his head, dispelling some of the haze. “It’s ok, Bucky.”

“I need help now!” Bucky shouted. “Anyone!”

Steve tried to sit up, but his legs weren’t working right. He let out a grunt of pain.

“Stop moving, you asshole!” Firm hands pushed him down. There was an increase of pressure on his bleeding chest, but it didn’t hurt too much anymore. Steve knew what that meant. “Come on, anyone! Steve’s been hit. I repeat, Steve’s been hit!”

There were a lot of times Steve thought he was going to die. He was no stranger to being sick as a kid, but he always hoped that his death would mean something more than his body just giving in. It’s why he threw himself on that grenade. It’s why he took the Valkyrie down. It’s why he let Bucky shoot him, stab him, pummel his face in on the helicarrier. It’s why he stayed on a floating chunk of Sokovian land. 

Steve had a lot of time to think about his own death. But he didn’t think he would be allowed to see Bucky before he left. There were worse ways to go. And since he was going to die anyway, why not go all in? 

“Bucky,” Steve managed. “Buck.”

Bucky stared down at him, eyes wide and panicked, hair falling over his shoulders, alien blood splattered against his face and uniform, both metal and flesh hands covered in Steve’s blood. He was the most beautiful thing Steve had ever seen. 

“Hold on,” Bucky demanded. “Shuri’s sending someone. You just have to hold on, Steve.”

Steve nodded, but as the pain subsided into nothing, he couldn’t help but feel like this was it. “Bucky, I want you to know that you were worth it.”

“Steve-”

“No,” Steve rasped. He could taste the tang of copper on his tongue. “No, you need to know. You said you didn’t think you were worth it. You are, Buck.”

“Hey, stop talking like this.” Bucky smiled but it was all wrong, a grimace. 

“You have to know,” Steve pressed. Breathing was getting more difficult and the feeling had gone from his fingers and toes. His eyesight was going too, faded and black at the edges with only Bucky in the center of his vision. It really was now or never. “You’re worth everything to me, Bucky. I love you and I’m sorry.”

Blackness slipped in, softer and easier than falling asleep. 

 

“STEVE! No! Steve!”

 

Steve woke to the distinct feeling he was being watched. 

When he opened his eyes, he was faced with Shuri’s wide smile. 

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” she chuckled. 

“I died.” It wasn’t a question. 

Her smile dimmed and he felt bad, but she picked her expression up with a nod. “You did. But luckily for you, we have excellent medical care.”

“What happened?” He croaked, throat dry. She handed him a glass of water with a straw and everything. He sat up with relative ease. “Thanks.”

She pat his shoulder soundly. “You’re very welcome. And as for what happened - the battle is won, for now.”

Finishing off his glass, he tried to clear his head. “And me?”

“You’re doing well for a man who died twice,” she told him with the hint of a scolding. 

“Twice?”

“Once on the battlefield, once on my table.” She took his empty glass and set it aside. “You are very lucky the serum in your body continues to keep you alive.”

“And that you’re the best doctor a guy could ask for,” Steve amended. 

“That too,” she agreed smugly. “Now, I have to go let them know you’re awake. Stay there for a moment. You’re nearly fully healed, but I don’t want you to aggravate your spine.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Shuri’s laugh echoed back over her shoulder, making Steve smile. He closed his eyes, sighing. His lungs hurt. His back too. His chest. But they didn’t hurt like a life threatening wound. They hurt in a tender, sore way that told him he was healing. 

“You dick.”

Steve opened one eye to send an unimpressed look Bucky’s way. “Thanks.”

“You shouldn’t have jumped in front of me,” Bucky said at once, stalking forward. “You could’ve died.”

“Apparently, I did,” Steve hummed. He felt his heart thudding, but he ignored the cold swell of panic at seeing Bucky after his deathbed confession. “Twice.”

“That makes it worse, Steve,” Bucky let out an anguished whine. “That makes it so much worse. Why would you do that?”

Steve looked up, refusing to meet Bucky’s searching gaze. “I think I already told you why.”

“Why did you tell me all that?” Bucky’s voice was hushed and tentative. 

“Because it’s the truth. Because I was dying and I wanted you to know that I didn’t blame you.” Steve sighed and turned his head, meeting Bucky’s frown with a sad smile. “Because I love you and I wanted that to be the last thing I said.”

“Steve…”

“It’s ok, Buck.” Steve swallowed. “I get it. I’ve always got it. I just...I wanted to tell you, before I went. It was selfish, I know. But I felt like I had to.”

Bucky moved to the side of Steve’s hovering bed. “Selfish?”

“I already know you don’t-” Steve sharply inhaled. “I know you don’t think of me like that.”

Bucky’s fingers wrapped tight around the edge of the bed, barely an inch away from Steve’s arm. “Steve.”

Steve thought back to being young and skinny and collecting the bits of his shattered heart, resigned to the cracks and knowing full well it was his own fault. He smiled and he knew it didn’t reach his eyes. “I know I can’t be with just you all the time. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

Bucky let out a shaky breath. His hand, the flesh one, rubbed over his mouth. “We were twenty.”

Steve nodded. 

“I had set up another double date.”

“Brown hair, pretty face. Just my type,” Steve half chuckled, a brittle thing. 

“You told me you didn’t mind going on the dates with me,” Bucky whispered, lips parting. His gray blue eyes sparkled in the bright lights of Shuri’s lab. “But you didn’t want to go with the girls.”

Steve ran a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face. The movement tugged at his mostly healed wounds, but they didn’t ache half so much as they did even when he woke up minutes before. “No.”

“Steve,” Bucky breathed. “I wasn’t- I didn’t-”

“It’s ok, Bucky,” Steve sighed, resigned as ever to rejection. He had practice, after all. 

“No, you idiot, shut up and listen.” Bucky leaned over Steve, hands coming to rest on both sides of his face. His fingers were gentle and Steve could almost feel the new cracks form, being held so affectionately by Bucky enough to make his heart ache. 

“I didn’t realize,” Bucky told him in a fervent whisper. “I didn’t realize that was what you meant.”

“What?” Steve frowned and Bucky’s thumbs stroked over the lines at the edges of his mouth. 

“I want to be with just you all the time too,” Bucky told him. 

Then he leaned in, slow as could be, and pressed their lips together. They parted and Steve grabbed Bucky’s hands, pulling them close to his chest as if he feared they would go somewhere else that wasn’t with Steve. 

“So no more dying, ok?” Bucky’s fingers gave a twitch around Steve’s. 

“I’ll do my best.”

Bucky’s hands tightened and his eyes narrowed in a glare. “I said no more dying, Steve.”

“Ok, Buck.” Steve wanted to laugh, but he was too content to do anything other than look up at Bucky. “For you, anything.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Peter Quill's relative is based on Laura Haddock's character in Captain America: The First Avenger since she went on to play Peter Quill's mom Meredith. For the record, she is not a bad person in this. Steve misinterprets her reaction because she puts her foot in her mouth (like Peter can do) and he's insecure. Don't blame her, please. She was laughing because she thought it was cute/she did not expect that answer. She just wanted to kiss the handsome man, she didn't know. 
> 
> Bucky's "rejection" is a similar kind of misunderstanding. Steve thought Bucky was letting him down easy. That was not the case. Bucky was 100% trying to stealth date Steve Rogers during double dates so he needed to convinced Steve to come out any means necessary. So when Steve says what he says, Bucky goes into panic mode and misses Steve's point in a big way


End file.
